Submitted by Barry Sutton, RD3
Carrabelle, Fla.
- Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
- Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
- Repaint your entire house every month.
- Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the showerhead to chest level.
- When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
- Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
- Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor’s house. Ignore his complaints.
- Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.
- Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
- Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
- On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off.
- On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
- Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can’t turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
- Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say “Sorry, wrong rack”.
- Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house – dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
- Find the dumbest guy in the neighborhood and make him your boss for the next two years.
Who’s ready to go back to sea?